The Steyn variations
Mark Steyn found it too much fun not to join in Bill Bennett's inspired "Sandy Berger Lies" contest that has contributed so much to my anger management therapy this week. Seth Leibsohn has kindly forwarded Mark's three submissions. Mark's first submission comes complete with directions for recording:
THE SANDY PANTSMark's second submission draws on the Great American Songbook, with an appropriate nod, if I am not mistaken, to Frank Sinatra:
(from the film Slick Willie Wonka And The Shop-Lift Factory)Hey, everybody! Gather round, the Sandy Pants is here! What kind of archival material do you want? Classified documents? Confidential minutes? Intelligence briefings? Cables? You’ve come to the right place, because I’m the Sandy Pants!
(Ooooooo!)
Who can take the memo
Stuff it in his sock
Take it out the building
And then walk it up the block
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)
The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)Who can take the secrets
Out the door at night
Slide them under trailers
On a dark construction site
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)
The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)The Sandy Pants takes
Lots of bathroom breaks
But his status simply wows us
Suspicion Sandy ne’er arouses
Waddling out with lumpy trousers
Yeah, yeah, yeahWho can hose the archives
Shrug off all the flak
Get the kid-glove treatment
And then get his clearance back
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)[Instrumental break, and Sandy’s bathroom break]
The Sandy Pants packs
Secrets in his slacks
In his garter he will truss it
The media folks, they won’t discuss it
He will even stuff his gusset
Whoa, whoa, whoaWho can swipe the records
From the archivists
So it looks like Clinton
Wasn’t soft on terrorists
The Sandy Pants (The Sandy Pants)
Oh, the Sandy Pants can (The Sandy Pants can)
The Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good (Makes his boss look good)
Yes, the Sandy Pants can ‘cause he fixes it for Bill
And makes his boss look good[Groovy fade-out]
The Sandy Pants, the Sandy Pants, the Sandy Pants
Go take a chance in Sandy Pants, go take a chance
Don’t look askance – it’s hard to dance in Sandy Pants
The Sandy Pants, Memorandy Pants, the Sandy Pants...
I’VE GOT YOU UNDER MY SLACKSMark's third submission is "for ballad lovers everywhere." I think that probably means we're singing this to Bing Crosby's or Frank Sinatra's version of the song:I’ve Got You Under My Slacks
I’ve got you deep in the thighs of me
So deep in my thighs
You’re wat’ring the eyes of me
I’ve Got You Under My SlacksI tried so hard to relax
I said to myself this report never will fit so well
But why should I try to desist from crimes I commit so well?
I’ve Got You Under My SlacksI’ll sacrifice nothing much come what might
For the act of stuffing my shorts
‘Cept maybe the feeling that my pants are too tight
And a tickling next to my wartsDon’t I know Billy C says rifle the stacks
Use your men’s underwear
And people will wonder where
All the memos flew
And each time they do
I can stop them all in their tracks
‘Cause I’ve Got You Under My SlacksYeah, I dig you under my slacks
(Where does it hurt you, baby?)
Under my slacks!
TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESSI think I should note that these lyrics are Copyright © 2007 by Mark Steyn, All Rights Reserved.He may be weary
Sandy does get weary
Wearing the same shabby slacks
But when he’s weary
He goes back in and ransacksBill Clinton’s waiting
Just anticipating
Memos he needs from the stacks
When you’re without them
Try ol’ Sandy’s shabby slacksIt’s all so accidental
He has his socks and shorts
And a press that’s non-judgmental
If it winds up in the courtsYou won’t regret it
Newsmen soon forget it
You’ve covered up Clinton’s tracks
And it’s all so easy
Try ol’ Sandy’s shabby slacks
